How can a heart both shatter & expand in the same moment?

I’ve always felt the start of a new year holds a bit of weight and significance to it.
A chance to start fresh, a chance to set intentions and a chance to leave the past more fully behind.

Celebrations for 2023 were pretty simple. Pleasurable time spent surrounded by my family at my parent’s mountain home in North Carolina, USA.

I had shared a beautiful afternoon painting with my children and nephews on the 1st of January; along with a traditional southern New Year’s lunch of black eyed peas, turnip greens and ham.

Little did I know my heart was about to both shatter and expand in the same moment

On the 2nd of January we were shortly to drive back to Atlanta, when I happened to take notice of a framed print of one of my drawings.

There it was, beautifully framed and displayed with pride in my mother’s guest bedroom. I was both touched that she had framed it, yet also touched by sadness at the realisiation that - up to that point - I had never framed a single piece of my art for myself.

Seeing that framed drawing reminded me there were another couple pieces my mom had framed in the storage area under the stairs. I hadn’t been this home for many years, and so it was with a touch of excitement that I went to have a look at what all I might discover.

I opened the door to find a couple drawings and painting; previously framed by my mother for my dorm room, but now tucked away as the subject matter wasn’t so much her taste (mostly nudes; as I used to love figure drawing).

Deeper within that storage area, I discovered a few extra boxes of youthful nostaglia; high school year books, an old collection of stuffed animals and in the corner, my old black drawing portfolio.

I eagerly pulled it out into the hallway to open it up and

I was immediately taken back to the time in my life when creating was everything to me.

At first I was thrilled to find this treasure of memories and drawings… I excitedly flipped through them and called out to my husband and children (both gifted artists in their own rights) to come and see my work. I excitedly showed them some of my drawings from my late teens and early 20’s. There were drawings from my university days and a handful of creative arts/art direction pieces from the time after university when I went into a postgrad program in advertising art.

Drawings upon drawings of treasures that I had laboured hours and days over. I recalled the late nights spent sitting in the hallway of my dorm room, so as to not bother my (early rising) roommate. I recalled the certainty my art teacher showed when stating that I needed to declare art as my major in college. My heart expanded as I recalled the love and joy I experienced creating all of these pieces. And in the same sweeping moment, I was overwhelmed with grief and heartache.

You see, when I had graduated college,

I told myself it was time to “get a real job”. I convinced myself that my drawing and painting talents weren’t good enough to formally pursue… And that following this path wasn’t a valid career I could consider.

Have you done the same? Told yourself you weren’t ‘good enough’ or it was unrealistic to follow your heart?

I recalled how I told people (and tried to convince myself) “I don’t want to be an artist… And I don’t want to be an art teacher, or a gallery owner…” and that once I graduated, it was ‘time to grow up’.

Though I had followed my heart into studying fine art, I shut it down & let my logical mind determine the path I should take.

I tried advertising art school, but quickly saw my heart wasn’t in it in the same way I felt about my art; so I left the postgrad program and got myself a job. I received kudos and praise from well-meaning friends when they heard I’d landed a job working for a high profile global management consulting group; but I knew from the first day, it was a total mismatch.

Over the years I’ve followed other interests and entrepreneurial pursuits; and I’ve been able to tap into a degree of my creativity. But my pencils and brushes lay mostly dormant.

Whilst I don’t regret my life and have loved the life I’ve lived and the entrepreneurial ventures I’ve pursued;

but on that cold day in January, as I looked through years’ worth of art, I was consumed with grief. Grief for the young woman who didn’t believe in herself. Grief for the young woman who believed external validation and listening to others should trump her own heart.

I remembered how much joy drawing and painting bring to me (and damn, I was actually somewhat talented.)
I vowed in that moment to create more space and time for my art. To prioritise it in my life and to follow my heart.

I took some photos of some of the drawings to serve as reminder… and I knew that this blog was waiting to be written and shared.

Most importantly, what I took away with me that day is the knowledge that I have the opportunity (& duty) to support my four children to ensure they always follow their own hearts.

I reflected on how I’ve already heard my 16 year old stepdaughter try to shut down the dreams that are in her heart as a pipe dream. As the oldest of the four kids, I hope I have enough time to impress upon her how utterly important it is for her to be true to herself. Not everyone is as lucky as her to know what their dreams are at such a young ag… And I will do everything I can to help her grab those dreams and wholeheartedly follow them.

I also share this, in hopes that by sharing my heartache I inspire others to reconsider where they are in their own life. To take the time to contemplate if they are wholeheartedly living the life they wanted. Because it’s not too late. While we’re still breathing, it’s never too late to change direction.

If your heart is calling you in another direction - is there one small, brave step that you can take today to move in a new direction?

If you’re ready to ACTIVELY take that first brave step, I’d like to invite you to join me in my Facebook Group, HeART-Full Connection - a safe, supportive, HeART-Full Community of authentic individuals wishing to connect and be inspired as they move closer to their heart's callings & live more joyful lives.

And - if you’re looking for more - you might want to check out the retreats and workshops I run; such as the 4 day (3 night) ‘Connect to Your Heart’ boutique retreat for women. It’s for those of us who know we have a quiet whispering in our heart - our internal wisdom urging us towards something - but who haven’t yet taken action. (Often in order to really hear our heart, we need to allow ourselves the time and space (& possibly the courage and support) to allow what is inside, to come to the fore)… and to be nurtured, nourished and supported in taking those first brave steps into our heart.

If you are ready, I invite you to learn more about my upcoming HeART-Full Retreats.